so i have been thinking about the Bible verse that i have as my description on this page. the verse is John 15:13 "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." What does that mean? Jesus said it to his disciples. I assume that he was talking in general of his love for them. He was going to die for them and for their sins. It is true that no has had greater love for anyone that Jesus has for us...
But what does that mean for me...does it mean that i should aim to die for my friends? i dont think so, not that i would not seriously consider it in some cases (not a decision lightly made). i think that it comes down to the same issue as martydom. when i was little i thought that i wanted to die a martyr. i figured that if i could die for Jesus then i would know that i was truly a Christian. God would have to let me into heaven if i died for his Son. God does want people to be that committed to him but it is more about living for him than dying. when i was a teenager i began to be afraid that if i was ever faced with that decision (something that could possibly happen since i wanted to be a missionary), i would die simply to be a martyr. then i would not go to heaven because i did not really die for altruistic reasons.
i recently the book "Silence" by shusaku endo. it was a fabulous book about doubt and martydom. in in the hero of the story -a persecuted Catholic priest- is faced with the decision to renounce God by spitting and stepping on an image of him or the converts that he brought to the Lord would be tortured to death. throughout the entire story he has all these doubts that God exists because it seems that God has forsaken him and will not speak. he is silent. but when faced with the decision he clearly hears God saying "step on me... i came to earth to be stepped on and spit at. i died to bring forgiveness for even that." anyway he does and he is forced to marry and reproduce and everything but the point is that he chooses despite everything to live for God and he covertly continues to spread the Word.
that book for me is so much more about choosing to live for God rather than die for him. i dont know where all this went or if it made sense. i have simply been thinking a lot about what it means to live for God and how that means i should act. no not how i should act but how i should feel and think. it is hard because recently i have been very lax on many things. i cuss and i am lazy and i am very easily angered by people. it so hard in the heat of the moment or when you are enjoying yourself to think of doing the right thing. just some thoughts
p.s. i didnt really mean to post on this. i was going to talk about friendship and boundaries (no particular reason, just thinking). later maybe. i am supposed to be closing booth down.
whati thought
so i never really thought that i'd be doing what i am now when i was 25. does that make sense?
when i was a kid i thought i would be a cop by now. i would still be living in Indiana and sarah valor (actually the whole "mature clan" would be close by) and my family would all still live very close by. i would be married to the kid that i adored until 5th grade (caleb schoeff). in fact, i was pretty sure that i would have bought grandma and grandpas house on illsley and it would be filled with kids and cats.
when i was a teenager, i knew that i would be on the mission field by now. i would be a nurse in some poor african country helping out kids and young unwed mothers. i would have met my husband over there and we would have met and fallen in love in some very romantic and probably tragic way. i would still have kids but only 2 or 3. also, i would be helping the amazing ministry of teen quizzing grow on that continent.
when i was in college i knew that i would have a couple years left on my masters work now (only because i spent a year or two in the peace core). i would have married either someone who went to olivet with me (after he pined because i was gone for 2 years) or someone that had been in the peace core with me. i would be not interested in having kids yet but soon. i would still be renting but that is only because i was still in school. i will be really involved in my church and their quiz team. my family would still be based in the "kank" and live in general would still have a purpose and a goal.
instead...here i am in champaign with very few to no friends. my family lives very far away for the most part (except wife and scott who are moving closer-yeah!!!!). i work at a job that i hate and get absolutely no self-actualization out of. i am renting an apartment and can not afford to have kids yet although i want them. i am not involved in my church and quizzing at all. i find no purpose in life (not in a suicidal way but in a no greater meaning way).
i dont mean for this to sound whiny. i have just been thinking a lot about where my life is going. i feel very worried that i will never get a job i like or that i will ever be able to afford kids. i want to help people but i can never ger my butt off the couch to do anything. no that is not really it, it is more that when i am at home i never think about doing anything other than watching tv and daily household chores. i dont think about doing devotions or volunteering time. i only ever think of it when i am in the car on the way to work (since that is just about the only place i go) or when i am already at work. i dont even blog except when i close and get paperwork done early. i could be happy with my small life and a job i did not like if i felt that in some way i was helping people. i think that i am just a really lazy person. i want to do something about it but i have sworn to myself a hundred times that i will change, i will force myself. the problem is that by the time i get home and turn on the tv i have forgotten what i was even thinking about.
i tried to fix this a while back. my husband and i got the cable turned off. we decided that we were going to read and do other things more. the problem is that we did not last a week. i was so bored out of my skull...i really just need to learn self control. so maybe i am not so much lazy as i am just unwilling to make myself do other stuff. i dont know...i just want to be a good and interesting person that helps people. perhaps i need a mission statement for my life.
