whati thought
so i never really thought that i'd be doing what i am now when i was 25. does that make sense?when i was a kid i thought i would be a cop by now. i would still be living in Indiana and sarah valor (actually the whole "mature clan" would be close by) and my family would all still live very close by. i would be married to the kid that i adored until 5th grade (caleb schoeff). in fact, i was pretty sure that i would have bought grandma and grandpas house on illsley and it would be filled with kids and cats.
when i was a teenager, i knew that i would be on the mission field by now. i would be a nurse in some poor african country helping out kids and young unwed mothers. i would have met my husband over there and we would have met and fallen in love in some very romantic and probably tragic way. i would still have kids but only 2 or 3. also, i would be helping the amazing ministry of teen quizzing grow on that continent.
when i was in college i knew that i would have a couple years left on my masters work now (only because i spent a year or two in the peace core). i would have married either someone who went to olivet with me (after he pined because i was gone for 2 years) or someone that had been in the peace core with me. i would be not interested in having kids yet but soon. i would still be renting but that is only because i was still in school. i will be really involved in my church and their quiz team. my family would still be based in the "kank" and live in general would still have a purpose and a goal.
instead...here i am in champaign with very few to no friends. my family lives very far away for the most part (except wife and scott who are moving closer-yeah!!!!). i work at a job that i hate and get absolutely no self-actualization out of. i am renting an apartment and can not afford to have kids yet although i want them. i am not involved in my church and quizzing at all. i find no purpose in life (not in a suicidal way but in a no greater meaning way).
i dont mean for this to sound whiny. i have just been thinking a lot about where my life is going. i feel very worried that i will never get a job i like or that i will ever be able to afford kids. i want to help people but i can never ger my butt off the couch to do anything. no that is not really it, it is more that when i am at home i never think about doing anything other than watching tv and daily household chores. i dont think about doing devotions or volunteering time. i only ever think of it when i am in the car on the way to work (since that is just about the only place i go) or when i am already at work. i dont even blog except when i close and get paperwork done early. i could be happy with my small life and a job i did not like if i felt that in some way i was helping people. i think that i am just a really lazy person. i want to do something about it but i have sworn to myself a hundred times that i will change, i will force myself. the problem is that by the time i get home and turn on the tv i have forgotten what i was even thinking about.
i tried to fix this a while back. my husband and i got the cable turned off. we decided that we were going to read and do other things more. the problem is that we did not last a week. i was so bored out of my skull...i really just need to learn self control. so maybe i am not so much lazy as i am just unwilling to make myself do other stuff. i dont know...i just want to be a good and interesting person that helps people. perhaps i need a mission statement for my life.
posted by totogirl @ 1:18 AM
7 Comments:
well..you're on your way to my house now...i know our church isn't nazarene and whatnot..and its a little drive..but i really think that you should consider coming with us...maybe then it would be easier to get involved...if you knew people, etc. I know how you feel. thats how i've felt since we moved to kokomo. even working at the church..it was like i was doing it because it was my job...not my ministry. im so glad we're going to take this little mini trip together. i love you.
You ought to check out the book "The Journey of Desire" by John Eldredge. It truly is amazing.
I really want to meet those people who are in the jobs they predicted for themselves when they were kids, so that I can beat them up. Not many people end up where they think they will. It's nto a bad thing, but it's not like your 85 years old and can't change a thing.
Getting motivated is tough, sometimes you need someone or something to kick you in the butt and make you get up and get out. Not having tv and cable would have helped, finding the right books that will keep your attention will help too.
hey. i got some interesting news...call me :)
we are mirrors of each other. I have felt the same way for the past few months. I even thought about volunteering at an old folks home, but never have bc i have to have some immunizations to do it. I'm a bum. However, I can say that it's hard. Change will be gradual, which is good, because major change comes from accidents and surprises, and put stress on us. So give it some time, give it to God, all the hurting and loneliness, all the doubt and fear. Take heart, it's taken me four months to get here, but I have set a QUIT day, next time you see me I will not be a smoker. Pray for me in that, I'll pray for you too. abigator
A monk once decided to leave his monastery because the other monks kept provoking him to anger. So he moved to a cave in the desert. Soon after, the story goes, he grew angry at his pots and pans and dashed them against the walls of the cave. Immediately, he returned to the monastery. When the Abbot asked why he returned, he replied that he had learned the problem wasn't with the other monks, it was with him.
I find this story profound. But really, as you struggle through this time of emptiness- trying to discover what really matters, what to do, who to be with, what job is worthwhile- remember that the first two years of marriage are a beautiful love story that you admit later sucked. They are surprisingly lonely as you figure out who you are with someone you love so much.
It gets better. Come to Crawfordsville.
Sometimes to help or change...it starts small and in our own backyard. The first priority is getting motivated. I believe you should start by taking your regrets and negative image of yourself outside on the front lawn with your TV(the root of all evil) and smash it to bits with a hammer, j/k. Live is hard and it never moves as fast as we want it to, as far as personal accomplishments are conserned. We all want to help people but most of us are to downtrodden these days....and the people who are in a possition to help, ususally can't get over themselves. Life rarely works out as we expect, but giving up shouldn't be an option. Nothing was ever accomplished in the couch potato cockpit, watching fantasy be displayed as real life scenario. Well that is for my pep talk.....by the way who are you?
CWS
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