totogirl's thoughts on oz

compassion

so i spent the day today at work watching boring movies about stuff and reading the files of my future members. i watched this one movie on hallucinations and what causes them and stuff. during the thing they had this song written and performed by someone who experiences hallucinations. going into it i thought it was going to be corny and stuff but it made me feel really sad. the song was about this particular hallucination and how is started out comforting and ended up controlling her. i thought that was interesting because that is the way that so many things in our lives can be. we eat food after a break up because it is "comfort food." soon you have gained a bunch of weight and it gets you down so you eat more. eventually you think more about what you are going to eat each day then anything else and nothing else matters as much. that is just one example. the difference of course is that those that suffer from hallucinations really cant fight it that easily.

i also spent the day reading client files. it was so depressing, i swear. so may of my members had terrible childhoods that led to the way they are now. i have one member that suffers from like 4 different stigmas and still manages to get up each day and do what he needs to do to get better. at first i just felt bad for them, then i really began to think about it and really started gaining a lot of respect for what they deal with. i get depressed and sometimes dont feel like getting out of bed and i dont suffer from even 1/10th of what they have had to deal with. i am so excited to be getting the opportunity to work with these people and get to know them.

i have been really stressed about this move and wondering if this is where we are supposed to be. i dont know where we are going to get to the money to buy a car (which Joel needs and i hate depriving him of), or a house or even just enough to pay all the bills and buy gas too. i am worried that i moved here so that i can use my family as a crutch and that i will become a burden to them. i worry that as often as my husband tells me that he wants to be here one day he will resent for taking him away from his family and friends. sometimes i worry so much that i have to tell myself little stories in my head so that i wont think about it and can sleep at night.

i wanted to finish that whole paragraph and tie into the one before it. i wanted to say that all the stuff i said is worth it because i get the chance to work with my members. however, as much as i enjoy the job i am still not sure that is true. i think most of the stuff i will get over with time; God is taking care of us and providing for us but i dont think i will ever not worry about my husband resenting me. i know he is not like that but i wonder how i would feel in the same situation.

posted by totogirl @ 9:21 PM